Have you ever had a friend that was a scorekeeper? You might have, but a true friend is not a scorekeeper, they are a friend.
Most of us have fallen in to this trap at some point in our lives, even if for a brief moment; however, there are others that can not function without making sure that they are keeping score. These are not true and long lasting friends. They were friends long enough for you to realize that you can never score enough points for them to keep up with the friendship expectations.
True friends DO NOT KEEP SCORE!
What causes one to keep score and judge you if you haven’t performed well enough on the scale of friendship?
Sometimes it can be unmet needs from childhood…it could be insecurities of some sort…it could be mistrust that has scarred someone from a past relationship…or other possible roots.
At the end of it all is a void in identity that has not yet been allowed to be filled by Jesus. When we are grounded completely in Christ, we have no desire to keep score in a relationship of any kind. Our identity in Christ will allow us to give our friends mercy and grace for where they have fallen short…Why? Because when we are completely secure in Christ, we expect NOTHING from a friend, rather than to be our friend whenever they feel like they have the time and energy to be with us.
True friends can not speak for a year, and then have a conversation as if it were yesterday. True friends will confront one another when real issues come up in a relationship; however, true friends will be transparent and vulnerable with each other in an attempt to reconcile any issues that exist. And yes, sometimes it really hurts. But it leaves nothing hidden in the relationship.
Scorekeeping kicks in when hidden feelings are not brought to the forefront of conversations. The devil will begin to convince the scorekeeper how good of a friend they are, and how lousy the other friend is, because the scorekeeper has scored so many more friend points…therefore, they are the better person. This is just how the devil works…self-justification…self-righteousness.
I was tested with this once, several years ago. I fell in to the trap of keeping score in a relationship that had gone south. Fortunately, I snapped out of my self righteous attitude and allowed God to humble me. I apologized to my friend, and we are great friends to this day.
Being a scorekeeper doesn’t make one a bad person. It simply reveals a lack of identity in Christ causes them to depend upon you to fill some unmet expectation.
So…if you have been keeping score on a friendship, I encourage you to call your friend and make things right. It is so easy to forget all of the things they might have done for you that could have been pretty significant.
And…if you have a friend that is always keeping score…they aren’t really a “true” friend. They are a scorekeeper. As long as they choose to keep score, you will never win. You can never do enough. You can never be enough. They are expecting you to fill voids in their life that only Jesus can fill.
How do you recognize a scorekeeper?
1) They are always keeping score!
2) They rarely, or never reach out to you first…they expect you to initiate every text, every call, and every get together…if you aren’t the initiator, you are not scoring friendship points.
3) They will rarely, if ever, reach out to you to reconcile a matter.
4) They will keep score on the amount of “likes” & “comments” you make on social media as not being good enough on the friendship scale.
5) They will almost always, if not always, wait on you to make the first move in friendship…because that is what proves that you are a “real” friend.
6) You thought you did something good (you thought you scored a point), but you didn’t get credit for that point because it did not meet the friendship expectations of the scorekeeper…FOUL! You got put in the penalty box!
You might consider walking in to 2022 with relationships that are based upon trust, safety, vulnerability, and transformation. But not scorekeeping.
-Danny McDaniel
